Costumes

Dear Jack,

You have another cold. You poor thing. You get all plugged up and you get so upset that you can’t breathe that your bottom lip trembles and tears roll down your cheeks. I squirt salt-water into your nose. I rub Vicks on your chest. I make you suck on a super-strength Halls while you play bejewelled on my iphone at 10:30pm.

Today I remembered how much you love(d) costumes.

You had a ninja costume and you would put the whole thing on and sneak up on me. And you’d stand there and I’d pretend to be worried and wonder where you were and you would pull off the mask and smile at me a knowing smile. And I’d say, ‘oh thank goodness, it’s you!’.  You had a bumblebee mask and you’d shrink down into a ball and push a button and then transform into a boy. and I’d pretend to be worried, wondering where you were and you would push the button again and shrink down into a car. And you’d nod at me.

 

You don’t do that anymore….

I wish you did. You always did it while I cooked supper…

 

xo

Worrying

Dear Jack,

You worry too much. Do you know that? I hate that you are seven and you worry. You worry about whether you are doing the right thing or thinking the right thing. Always trying to see what is right and wrong.  It stresses me because you are seven.  I know you have a sensitive heart. I know you have a compassionate heart. I know it is easy for you to hurt.

Do you know that whenever we watch Bugs Bunny, there is a certain cartoon that always makes you cry. The one with the dog who finds a kitten and brings her home. Remember? And even though we see that nothing happens to the kitten, that she doesn’t get made into kitten cookies, whenever we see the dog’s big red sad eyes, we both cry.   And whenever we watch ‘Tangled’, when they show the King and Queen about to set out their lanterns on their missing daughter’s birthday, whenever they show the king’s sad face, we cry. And last night when we watched Phineas and Ferb, when Major M talked about having to go away to school and the voices told him ‘I’m not your daddy’, you cried. So much compassion in your little heart.

I wish… I don’t wish I could toughen you up, but I wish … I wish you knew what I did. I wish you knew not to take things so seriously. That sometimes it’s ok to make mistakes. Are we too hard on you? Whenever you cry, I look inside myself to see what I have done to push that, to invoke that feeling.

But oh, how I love your heart.

All of your sleepytoys get talked to. You tell them about Jesus. You tell me with your face shining that they asked Jesus into their hearts. And every single one of your sleepytoys is married. I love that. They go on dates and they go dancing. And then you beat them up.

I pray your heart would stay compassionate for those suffering. I pray that God would give you the wisdom that you need to be awesome. I pray for your safety. I know the world will definitely break your heart. And I know that I will hurt your heart, and I know Dad will. Even though we don’t mean to or want to. I pray God will give you the grace and strength to forgive the world, and to forgive us. God knows how many mistakes I have made and will continue to make. I pray God would keep me humble so that I know when I am wrong. And when you are right.

I admire your heart. And I admire your innocence. I’m going to keep you innocent for as long as I can. That’s my job.

love you, my little chicken…

mom